


Avengers Christmahanukah

by riot3672



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Awkwardness, Chanukah, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Party, Christmas Presents, Christmas Smut, Cockblocking, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Gift Fic, Jewish Holidays, Jewish Maximoffs, Oral Sex, Sibling Incest, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Twincest, Ugly Holiday Sweaters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 11:07:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5414516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riot3672/pseuds/riot3672
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pietro and Wanda have celebrated Chanukah their whole lives, and when their first holiday with the Avengers comes around, they're happy enough to share the festivities with their fellow teammates. The problem is when the fellow teammates want to bring Christmas to them, even when they could really be doing other things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Avengers Christmahanukah

** SUNDAY, DECEMBER 6 **

It had taken a surprisingly large amount of time, but Wanda had found her and Pietro a full Chanukah starter kit: menorah, candles, dreidels, and at least presents for the first night.

“Do you know the prayer?” Wanda asked Pietro as he slid into the Avengers’ kitchen with a lighter in hand.

“I thought you knew the prayer. You’re the more Jewish one.”

“We’re both equally Jewish.”

Pietro glanced over the counter. “Was I supposed to get latkes? I got the doughnuts but figured you’d—”

Wanda sighed. “I thought it’d be so much easier to just pick up pre-made ones and make some some other night when we’re not training all day but turns out all general markets are anti-Semitic and I could only find some at Trader Joe’s.” Wanda motioned to the oven. “Anyway, they’re cooking now.”

“Great.” Pietro pulled out his phone. “Do you remember any of it?”

“I remember the first six words, but they’re the first six words to every Jewish prayer.”

“Six words better than me.”

“Oh come on! _Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam asher kidishanu b'mitz'votav v’tzivanu…l’had'lik neir shel Chanukah._ Hah, got it!”

“Amen,” Pietro said. He lit the shammus candle. “Wait, is there a prayer for the first night?”

Wanda took Pietro’s phone, and found the prayer for the first night. “ _Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech haolam, shehecheyanu v'kiy'manu v'higianu laz'man hazeh_.” Wanda looked up, and Pietro had already lit the candles. “Pietro! You can’t light the candles before you say the prayers!”

Pietro gave her an unamused look, looked up, and said, “Sorry, God.”

Wanda rolled her eyes, and suddenly Clint was in the room, two kids in tow.

“Daddy! They get presents and it’s not Christmas why can’t we have presents?” Lila asked.

Clint stared at her and Pietro. “They’re celebrating Chanukah. It’s like replacement Christmas.”

“Can we celebrate too?” Lila asked.

“We can ask them, but you guys don’t get extra presents.”

Lila and Cooper ran to Pietro and Wanda. 

“Wanda, can we have Chanukah presents?” Lila asked.

She’d bought one present.

“Uhh…” Wanda said.

Pietro busted open the doughnut box. “We don’t get presents on Chanukah. You get doughnuts.”

Cooper took a doughnut, but Lila wasn’t convinced. “Then what are those presents?”

“Our birthday,” Pietro said as he bit into a doughnut.

“Your birthday is in April.”

“I’m a procrastinator.”

Clint spent the next ten minutes explaining to his kids about cultural appropriation or something along those lines, Wanda promised that they could get presents if they lit the candles every night, and they decided it was too much effort.

Once everyone had left and the candles were nearly gone, they pulled out the presents.

“You’re gonna love yours,” Pietro said.

She’d tried really hard to not read his mind. “You will too.”

“Okay, ready, one three.”

On three, they both pulled out Chanukah sweaters. She had gotten him a blue sweater with a giant llama in the middle that read, “Happy Llamakkah,” while he’d gone with a light blue sweater with a menorah whose lights twinkled with a switch built into the side.

They made eye contact. Held it.

Pietro was the first one to grin and embrace her, squeezing her. “I love you, you schmuck.”

Wanda pulled away laughing. “Do you know what a schmuck is?”

Pietro paused. “Fool?”

“Penis.”

Pietro threw his hands up and didn’t say anything, filled the silence with him taking a piping hot latke and destroying his taste buds. A great first night of Chanukah.

* * *

 

** MONDAY, DECEMBER 14 **

Pietro didn’t know how all the Avengers figured out that they wanted in on Chanukah, but now they were all supposed to celebrate together. Which, while it meant Wanda making homemade latkes and Tony paying for really expensive bomb ass doughnuts, it also meant…people.

Wearing their Chanukah sweaters from the first night, Pietro and Wanda settled onto the coffee table to set up the dreidel game. The other Avengers had shown up in hilarious confusion, ranging from Steve asking if Chanukah was based on dates or times of the year to Tony showing up in a Star Wars sweater and calling it holiday neutral. 

“Can you still do that thing?” Pietro asked Wanda.

Wanda nodded, took one of their dreidels, flipped it upside down, and got it spinning on its stem on the table. Pietro grinned.

“How did you do that?” Vision asked.

Wanda laughed a little. “That’s just a party trick. You’re suppose to spin them like this.”

She showed Vision the proper method for spinning a dreidel, and soon there were two tops on the table.

“How do you play?” 

Tony dumped a giant bag of gelt onto the table.

Wanda snatched a spinning dreidel to show Vision. “This is a shin, and when you get it, you put one piece of gelt into the pot.” She turned the dreidel. “If you get nun, you do nothing, if you get he, you take half the pot, and if you get gimel, you take the whole pot. Depends on who’s playing to decide whether or not to stop the game at some random time so everyone has some gelt or to only stop when only one person is left.”

Tony took a seat on the couch, a plate of latkes in his hands. “Let’s go! All my dad’s business partners were Jewish. I’m pretty much honorary.”

Pietro exchanged a glance with Wanda. Tony _had_ known the proper traditions with candle lighting, so he wasn’t a complete fake. Pietro passed him a pile of gelt. Clint, Sam, Rhodey, Thor, and Vision joined the table, Steve, Bucky, Bruce, and Natasha watching from a distance. 

“Alright, you first, Chanukah Queen,” Clint said as everyone passed around the latkes.

It took Wanda a moment to realize they meant her.

She settled the latke she’d picked up into her mouth and spun the dreidel with her little upside down trick. While everyone watched Wanda’s dreidel go, Pietro took his opportunity to dab some sour cream on the exposed half of Wanda’s latke and take a bite off it. The remaining bit not held by Wanda’s teeth crumbled onto her sweater, sour cream and all.

Wanda’s reaction was surprisingly slow, barely realizing the mess Pietro had made before her dreidel landed. Pietro watched in amusement as she was forced to chew and swallow the bit of latke he hadn’t stolen before raging.

“You got some _schmutz_ right there,” Pietro said, motioning toward her sweater.

Wanda’s rage was silent for a moment, before she wiped the sour cream off her sweater and smeared it onto his face. She wiped her hand clean in his hair.

“Is this the part where this becomes Chanukah porn?” Tony asked.

“If you can manage to eat enough latkes off someone’s body to constitute screen time in porn and still go through with the sex, you’re more enhanced than us,” Wanda said as she unwrapped a piece of gelt and stuck it on Pietro’s forehead.

“How many latkes is that?” Pietro asked.

He counted a line from Wanda’s breasts down to her pussy and…well, it _would_ be a lot of latkes.

“More than you can handle,” Wanda replied.

Clint then won gimel. “Suck it, assholes.”

Natasha studied him. “Clint, weren’t you supposed to bring your kids to this?”

Everyone had just enough perfection to stop what they were doing to stare at Clint.

“Uh, this is _clearly_ not a children’s party…” Clint said, motioning toward the bottles of kosher wine on the table.

Steve picked up a bottle. “Clint, this has six percent alcohol content.”

“Damn Barton, when even Grandpa Steve thinks the party is tame, you know you screwed up,” Tony commented.

For once, Tony had a solid point.

Dreidel continued on with increasing intensity, so much so that Pietro had tossed sexual innuendos about doughnuts to Wanda all night and no one had noticed. 

“Wait!” Thor suddenly said. “Isn’t this a gift-giving holiday? No one made it clear if we were all supposed to buy each other gifts.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Steve answered. “Only the twins are celebrating to that extent.”

“That’s Christmas,” Tony said with the most unnecessary wink Pietro had ever seen.

“Are you guys going to open your presents?” Thor asked.

Chanukah was feeling oddly like their birthday. Which shouldn’t be bad but…Pietro had to admit, he kind of missed celebrating with more than two Jews.

He exchanged a look with Wanda. It occurred to him that his hair would smell like sour cream for a long, horrible time if he didn’t duck into the shower soon.

Pietro shrugged, and they got out their gifts. It was the last night of Chanukah, which meant Pietro had run out of good ideas, stuff like stupid sweaters and jewelry and incense and stuff he knew Wanda liked. And, according to Murphy’s law, she was going to get him something awesome.

Sure enough, Wanda bought him a really nice leather jacket.

He cringed as she opened hers.

“Is that…?” Wanda said as she flipped her new calendar to the back.

Wanda’s jaw dropped almost as quickly as her expression lightened into a grin.

“It was supposed to be…funny…” Pietro said.

Wanda flipped through a few pages of the calendar, her expression unreadable. Everyone leaned in a little, no one able to see the actual contents of the calendar.

Finally, Wanda started to laugh. Giggles to laughing so hard she was struggling to breathe.

Pietro smirked.

_And thus the “leaked bathroom selfie nudes” calendar was a great idea._  

* * *

 

** Friday, December 25 **

Pietro loved his surprises, but Wanda actually did wake up a little surprised to find a bit of a breeze between her legs along with the soft sun of Christmas morning.

Wanda smiled. “Merry Christmas, heretic.”

Pietro smirked as he slid her panties off. “Merry Christmas.” He kissed her ankle. “I like the new sleep shirt. Does it feel better than what you usually have?”

Chanukah Night 5 had been a Victoria’s Secret bright red sleep shirt, the kind of thing that made it look like Wanda slept in Pietro’s button up shirts after sex every night. They both liked it quite a bit.

“Yeah, it’s great.”

Wanda unbuttoned enough to give Pietro a nice, full view of her cleavage.

Pietro smiled. “You look great in it.” He kissed her inner thigh. “I might even let you keep it on.”

“Good. It’s cold.”

“Let’s warm ya up, then.”

That first kiss on her lips sent her shivering right into heaven. He played her slowly, almost teasingly. Breath on her, tongue tracing the lines of her lips. He pushed her legs a little farther apart, knocked the edge of her fabric a bit back as he sucked her labia into his mouth. She didn’t moan, not quite yet, but managed a bit of a “mmm.” 

“C’mon, ‘tro, you gonna be mean about it?” Wanda said.

A twinge of excitement shot through her like a bolt when Pietro lifted her hood. 

“You take a lot of work, sis. Don’t wanna tire me out when you really want me.”

He ran his tongue along the skin around her clit, igniting the nerves, so close, so goddamn close, but not _there_. She moaned, took a shaking hand to pull at his hair a bit. 

“Fuck, Pietro,” she muttered, “please.”

Finally, Pietro took her clit in his mouth. Sucked until she was writhing under him, the pleasure bursting so hard it hurt. She cried out, pulled at his hair with one hand and the sheets with the other. The breath of his laugher tickled. 

His mouth went back to her clit, doing all his best moves, just waiting for her to beg.

“Just do it, ‘tro,” she said. “Please, please, please. I love you, I love you, I love you…”

Pressure hard, he played her clit like a master. She held her breath as she felt the orgasm coming. Back arched, heart beating out of her chest, Pietro a master over her.

“I’m gonna—”

“MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

All at once, Pietro and every great feeling she’d had one second earlier was replaced by Tony Stark’s voice. Wanda didn’t have time to so much as get a good look at Tony before he had hauled her barely clothing, wet body over his shoulder, Pietro dragged with the other arm.

He dropped them in the living room, had his Iron Man suit off in seconds.

Wanda had her legs shut tight even before she could survey the scene. The living room was covered in presents, inhabited by Tony, Steve, Natasha, Sam, Vision and Bucky. All the orphans.

“Was this really necessary?” Pietro muttered as he pulled his pajama pants up a bit. “You said we had to be here for Christmas dinner.”

“Nope, presents too,” Tony said.

Wanda started buttoning up her sleep shirt, acutely aware that everyone knew exactly what they’d been doing. And she wasn’t wearing underwear. 

Natasha sat up from her spot on the couch. “Steve, open my present first.”

Steve picked up a green box with his name on it, and carefully unwrapped it. He pulled out a little pager looking thing. “What is this?”

Tony and Sam started to laugh.

“Life Alert,” Natasha said, still holding a straight face. 

“What’s—?”

Sam leaned over and whispered in Steve’s ear. Steve frowned. 

“ _Thanks_ , Natasha.”

“Open mine next,” Tony said.

Tony got Steve a blender. Steve didn’t get the joke, but at least it got Pietro laughing along with Sam and Tony.

“You next, Maximasshole,” Tony said.

“I thought we discontinued that nickname,” Pietro muttered as he unwrapped his present.

Tony got him a full sized Sonic the Hedgehog onesie, complete with hedgehog mohawk hoodie and everything.

Wanda had to admit, it was pretty funny.

“Please put that on,” Wanda said.

Pietro disappeared for a second, and reappeared with the onesie on. Tony snapped a picture.

Pietro looked down at Wanda, his eyes widened, and

…the next thing Wanda knew, she had on a pair of panties.

Backward.

_Thanks, Pietro._

Her brother the hedgehog looked to her with a little smile. She replied with a, “You put the panties on backwards,” in Sokovian.

Then, _Natasha_ started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Steve asked.

Natasha shook the laughter off, and Wanda shot Pietro a look.

“You next, Jesus,” Tony said.

She officially preferred Maximuffin, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and Wiggle Hands.

She pulled up Tony’s gift—heavy—and opened it up to find…a bunch of books by someone called V.C. Andrews, the first visible title _Flowers in the Attic_.

“Are these those repressed ‘80s girl incest books you were talking about?” Wanda asked.

“Yeah.”

Well, the covers were pretty. 

Pietro examined the titles, and in his Sonic the Hedgehog outfit, it could not be taken seriously for a second. “If these don’t have gratuitous sibling sex in them, I’d be very disappointed.”

Natasha got Pietro a Target gift card.

“You’re gonna love it,” Natasha said.

Wanda pulled out Natasha’s red leather jacket that Wanda had borrowed in Novi Grad, never returned, and had been “stolen” back by Natasha. Wanda couldn’t help but smile.

“Thanks, Mama Bear,” Wanda said, hardly believing she was using the other half of their nicknames.

There was a small box hidden in the jacket, wrapped up and everything. Wanda pulled it out of the jacket just a bit.

“Don’t unwrap that one,” Natasha said, winking.

“IT’S A BUTT PLUG, ISN’T IT?” Pietro exclaimed as he lunged for the box.

Pietro got the box, but Wanda shoved him off and reclaimed the box before he could open it.

“It’s a vibrator. Calm down, Sonic,” Natasha said.

Well, with all the cats out of the bag…

Wanda opened it up, and found a…she had no idea, but it was leopard print, with a little white suction cup looking thing. Called Womanizer.

“It simulates oral,” was all Natasha said.

What the

“You hate me, don’t you?” Pietro said.

fuck.

Okay. She’d take it.

“Can we please end this conversation so I can pretend it never happened?” Steve said.

“You got the vibrating panties, right?” Wanda asked in Sokovian.

“Yeah. Wearing them now,” Natasha replied in her Russian/Sokovian.

Pietro and Bucky took slow stares over to Natasha, then made the most unexpected and hilarious eye contact with each other.

“Wanda, Pietro, open my present,” Vision said, breaking the silence. They were two animal knit hats. “The donkey is for Pietro and the polar bear is for Wanda.”

“He thought they fit your personalities,” Tony said.

Wanda lowered Pietro’s Sonic hoodie and slipped on the donkey hat. Slipped on her hat. Another few pictures were taken, both of them looking absolutely ridiculous.

Maybe Christmas wasn’t so bad.

But she’d have to try out Nat’s gift once Pietro wasn’t paying attention.


End file.
